Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Salami Scrambled Eggs

I'm a fussy bastard. Especially when it comes to eggs. I was in my twenties before I ate a complete fried egg for fuck sake. Before that I'd only eat the yellow bit. I've been gradually trying over the last couple of years to get over this fear. Once I'd developed a taste for the fried, poached and boiled varieties I knew things were about to get tricky as I faced my next challenge, that trepidating foray into Scrambled Egg/Omelette territory. To make a boring story short I like scrambled eggs, omelettes and their texture; not so much. I do like, however, the mechanics behind the creation of a good omelette, i.e. throwing absolutely everything and anything into it and frying it up. I have also discovered that the best way, well my favourite way, to scramble eggs is to cook them in a frying pan.

This is my attempt at having the best of both worlds. 

"Eggs, Milk, Cheddar Cheese, Parmesan Cheese, Salami, 
Onion and Ground Chilli Pepper (Jamie Oliver optional)"

I figured out a while ago that I was going to have to put some kind of contingency plan in place should I ever run out of bread, and thus be lacking a proper mode of transportation for the meat and cheese that has to go into my belly. Crackers ain't gonna cut it for dinner I'm afraid, so I quickly focussed my attention on eggs.

The problem with eggs is that they don't taste of much. They work best when they're part of a great team, like a good central defender, think Steve Bruce in a yellow and white jersey.

Tonight, as I was looking for ingredients to put into this dish, I was left very disappointed when I realised that I had no scallions or tomatoes. Shockingly this turned out to be a good thing. The combination of shite that made it's way into this particular scrambled delight was my favourite yet and I'm very glad I had my camera out to capture the moment.

As you can see in the wonderfully presented photo above the ingredients are pretty basic. Ok not everyone is going to have parmesan cheese and ground chilli pepper; cheddar on it's own and regular pepper will do. BUT everyone should, after the lecture I'm about to give, have Salami Milano in their fridge. I get irritable if I've less than two packets of this wonder meat in the house. I have no interest in any other meat after tasting it's superb flavour. Salami was recommended to me before, see Shauna's Bagel, but I only recently got around to devoting a little time to this cured Italian miracle. To illustrate this point most simply: I bought some Salami on Christmas Eve, as you do, and have not bought any other type of meat since. No chicken, no roast beef and most shockingly of all... NO HAM.
It's been the centrepiece of almost every sandwich I've eaten at home in the last 3 weeks. Fried, though, it becomes an altogether different beast. I can't describe it, you just have to smell and taste it for yourself.

Enough chat. Heat up a frying pan with some olive oil, dice up some onion and roughly chop or tear up about six slices of Salami.

Throw it all in there and let it fry up for a few minutes...

While this is frying you'll want to get your other shit ready, crack 3 eggs into some sort of a bowl, add a little milk and mix it all up nicely with a fork. Grate up a very generous amount of cheddar cheese and have the parmesan and ground chilli ready too.

After 2 or 3 minutes remove the Salami and onion from the pan and onto a plate. Now this is important; DO NOT throw away the cocktail of Olive Oil/Salami Fat/Onion Juice that is in the pan. This is liquid gold. This is what's gonna make these eggs the best eggs you've ever tasted.

The entire cooking process from now to the plate is only about a minute or two.
First pour the eggs into the pan that's covered in that priceless oil.

Immediately top off with the cheddar cheese, the Salami and onion and then the chilli pepper and parmesan.

Now this is how you scramble eggs on a frying pan; drag your spatula from the outside of the pan towards the centre until all the raw egg has come in contact with the hot surface and has cooked, (Kinda like this dude does)

Remember It'll cook really fast and is best eaten immediately so have your plate/bowl ready to go.
Top off with a little more chilli and parmesan and you're done.

Some kind of crazy alchemy shit happens when the fried salami and eggs come in contact; they become greater than the sum of their parts. It's just fucking delicious. It's also about the most filling meal that I've ever eaten that contains practically no carbs; that's one for you Atkins dieters. It's really simple and quick to make; preparation and cooking time is only about 5 minutes.

I'm delighted with how this turned out, give it a go, it makes a great breakfast, lunch or dinner (from a purely taste perspective that is, your cardiologist, should you have one, will almost certainly have a different view).


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Sunday, January 8, 2012

The Elvis Sandwich...

Today would have been Elvis Presley's 76th Birthday. Partly thanks to eating sandwiches like the one I'm about to make he got nowhere near that age. You live by the sword, you die by the sword.

Now there's more than one sandwich connected to The King; the "Fool's Gold Loaf" is the most disgusting of them all and one which I will NEVER attempt to make. It consists of a hollowed out loaf of bread filled with a full jar of grape jelly (jam), a full jar of peanut butter and a POUND of bacon. If you want to try one I believe Leahy's Funeral home sell them.

The sandwich I'm going to make consists of Peanut Butter and Banana in white bread. Fried.
Some reports say Elvis also loved bacon on this sandwich. Fuck that shit. It's a Sunday evening and I don't want both the pints I drank last night and the pints I plan on drinking later being ruined. There's a time and a place for everything. Even bacon.

I have no idea how this is gonna turn out or how manky it's gonna taste but here I go anyway.

There's only a few basic ingredients; a banana, some peanut butter (the smooth kind), 2 slices of white bread and some "as far as I'm concerned it IS butter"

Mash up the banana (this was a disgusting process) and spread it on one slice of bread, spread peanut butter on the other.

Close it over and butter the outside of the sandwich.

Throw onto a preheated frying pan, butter side down, and butter the other side.

Give it a couple of minutes and turn it over when it looks like this:

Give the other side a couple of minutes and you're all done.

Hmmm... At first it wasn't as bad as I though it would be. I nearly managed to eat half of it but then my stomach started panicking mildly.
It just was not right. Hot banana?! Hot Peanut Butter?! In a FRIED Sandwich?! No. No. No.
This is a combination that neither my taste buds, my stomach nor my brain can endorse.
It was a hunka hunka burning shite.

Elvis, you're sound for doing what you did for Rock 'n' Roll and all that but I'm just not a fan of your sandwiches.
If only you'd stuck to the toasted ham and cheese you might still be with us... Probably not though.

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