Friday, December 21, 2012

Not One Bit Of This Was Smart...

Due to the economic cluster fuck that's enriching our lovely little allotment at the moment I have found myself in the enviable position of no longer having to live by the previously con-straining and creatively stifling norms of 9-5 life and the constant gnawing of the well worn snooze button.

Or to put it in almost football like terms; The Boozey Swine. He sleeps when he wants.
And as such I eat when I want.
Like I did last a few weeks ago with this fine mess.
Wednesday night, a few sociable pints in good company that blossomed into a few cans (with levels of sociability at this point diminishing at a fairly predictable rate) followed by the uphill 2 mile 4am walk (a generous verb given the circumstances) to the home place, and without getting dramatic my denim jeans/denim jacket ensemble didn't really afford me adequate protection from the elements.
Add to all this I'd probably in the previous 24 hours, given my hectic schedule, eaten nothing but a bowl of cereal.
I was understandably tired, hungry, cold and emotional so the usual defences that I'd conditioned into my brain to stop, for the love of God, cooking/eating at awful hours like this had easily been anesthetized.

The Serious Shit/Disclaimer:
I'll never be one to advocate cooking in this condition, especially when you're alone. The sudden warmth and comfort of a house will send your body and brain to quickly prioritise sleep over food regardless of how hungry you are and the 18-22 minutes that the average pizza takes to cook is more than ample time for your body to switch off.
Luckily this hasn't happened to me, but I know of a number of people who've ruined food and more importantly ovens after falling asleep and I even know of one person who burnt their kitchen down after a chip pan fire.
If you really must cook in this condition (and really have a bit of cop on and don't) leave it to appliances that can shut off on a timer and set a countdown alarm on your phone. Let's not see a good pizza wasted.

It's a weekly ritual of mine to scour around the sauce aisles of the local shops looking for new products that might have a positive effect on my life. My sauces of choice of late have been getting hotter and spicier by the week as I've been finding it harder and harder to re live the glory of that first buzz.

Now this is being published partly in the hope that it'll sufficiently put me off ever doing it again. Clearly the combination of ingredients I used to make the following sauce had little bearing on flavour and all on how much heat I could create with absolutely no consideration on what state it was going to leave me in the next day.

I just went through the kitchen and took out everything with a bit of heat in it, of course I did have a little sense and blended everything with some mayonnaise, I'm not a complete maniac.
So I ended up with some ground Black Pepper, some ground Jamie Oliver, Jalapeño Hot Sauce, Habanero Ketchup, English Mustard, Mayo, Paprika and Cayenne Chilli Pepper.

I used it as a crust dipping sauce for this lad...

Cooked the pizza and slightly over cooked some curly fries...

Get a close up on that shite....

Mixed up it looks a lot less offensive...

There's no point describing the taste unless you want me to say it tasted like a box of matches. My insides didn't cool down for about 2 days after it. Do not do this to yourself, I did so you don't have to.

The pizza, which I've had without the lava is delicious, well worth a few quid. For a much nicer crust dipping sauce I recommend a combination of the 'Heinz Green Jalapeño Hot Sauce' and the 'Hot-Headz Habanero Ketchup' cut with some mayonnaise... You can even arrange it into an Italian flag, perfect for pizza!

Boozey Swine

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Curry, Cheese and Coleslaw Chips

I'd been hearing murmurings for a while about the existence of this variation of chips but I'd yet to see it on a menu in any of my local chip dealerships, and as far as I know (I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong) no Newbridge chippers offer coleslaw as a topping so I had to assemble this myself.

I've already covered in great detail the topic of Curry Cheese Chips so I'll avoid repeating myself only to say that like any sandwich you must give plenty of consideration to what the optimal temperature of each ingredient is, ie coleslaw will turn manky if it's let sit on top of hot chips and hot curry for any length of time. To combat any issues proper assembly and immediate consumption is in your best interests.

This was made on an evening when one of my scavenging hunts went particularly well; some oven chips left in the freezer, good white cheddar and coleslaw in the fridge and some curry powder lying around too. You want to prioritise the layering in this order: Chips, curry sauce, cheese and finally coleslaw (more cheese on top optional and recommended).

The addition of the coleslaw really ups the poshness of this dish. You wouldn't be ashamed to serve it to the mother in law or a local politician should they drop by for a friendly chat.

I think this would work even better with some of those spicy curly chips but I'd none at the time. A very satisfying dinner that leaves you feeling quite a bit healthier in body and mind than you would after regular curry cheese chips.

Boozey Swine

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'Curry Beanz' and 'Fiery Chilli Beanz' from Heinz

I was feeling adventurous during the week so I decided to let shit get a little wild down the bean isle. Considering the fact that until recently the only previous variation of the standard beans in tomato sauce that I was aware of were the ominous, ever present and gag-inducing 'Beans with Pork Sausages', expanding my bean horizons hadn't BEAN on the agenda. Sorry.

Heinz recently released a new line of flavoured beans including 'Cheddar Cheese' and 'Garlic and Herbs' but the 'Fiery Chilli' and 'Curry' varieties were the only ones that appealed to me. Cheese and beans just like sausages and beans are all well and good together but they should never become accustomed to each others company prior to meeting on the plate.

First up in the taste test were the curry beans. Ordinary beans, being the versatile little demons that they are, go down well any time of the day. I knew I'd have to be a little more choosy about deciding when and where these buckos were going to sit in my food schedule. I opted to place them on the late evening menu with a plate of chips and a batter sausage courtesy of my local and highly recommended 'Cooks Cabin' takeaway.
Best chips in Newbridge and on more than one occasion they've had a delivery at my door less than 10 minutes after I made the call. Top quality all round. 

First impressions of the beans is that they're a little salty. The curry is quite nice, good flavour if nothing out of the ordinary and just the right amount of kick of heat. The recipe still has a tomato base so it's not going to be out of anyone's comfort zone. All in all I approve.

The plan for the fiery chilli beans was supposed to be a nice fried breakfast with all the trimmings centering on the chilli beans and how they'd accentuate the eggs in particular.
This plan got slightly changed when I arrived home at 4am carrying a guitar in my left hand and the contents of 12 cans of Tuborg in my stomach and not much else... 
Sure you know how you'd be...

I did try my best to present this well and I don't think I did too bad considering the level of inebriation I was engulfed in at the time. It would also appear that the drunk version of me really likes pepper.

The chilli beans did exactly what they're supposed to; the usual tomato beans with a great belt of heat. Simple and to the point. Another job well done.

I still had a half a tin of each variety of beans left over so I did the decent thing and gave them the send off they deserved. 

Another plate of chips from Cooks Cabin, split in 2 with a wall of onion rings down the middle. Curry on one side, fiery chilli on the other, topped off with a little grated white cheddar cheese.
An absolute feast.

I will be buying these beans again, I find it unlikely that I'd be delving into the other flavours but these 2 will do me just fine for now. I you're feeling a little fancy you might also want to try the Heinz 'Five Beanz' variety (apologies for the crap photo), I had them a little while back and are essentially a posher version of the regular beans, the addition of other bean types adds a lot to the texture but not a huge amount more in taste. Nice overall.

There, I made to the end. And not a single fart joke. 
Probably because the last thing you'd be doing after eating as much beans combined with curry and chilli as I've done in the last couple of days is making jokes. 

Boozey Swine

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