Ever see that film Intermission?
Colm Meaney's in it.
There's a famous scene in it where three lads played by Cillian Murphy, Colin Farrell and Brían O'Byrne are sitting in a café having breakfast when Cillian Murphy's character requests some brown sauce, when the waitress duly obliges he proceeds to pour a generous amount of the sauce into his cup of tea where he's met with the eloquent response of "ya scummy fucker" from Colin Farrell's character.
O'Byrne's character then requests "a shot" of the sauce, says its delicious and so our Colin not wanting to miss out tries it in his own tea then drops the classic and much quoted line...
"That's fuckin' delish man"
I, like every other soul upon witnessing this scene, had one basic thought manifest in my head...
"Nah, that couldn't be nice... Could it?"
I'm not a tea drinker. I have drank cups of tea, I just don't drink them on a regular basis. I don't understand people who get in from a hard day at the office and all they want is a cup of tea. Tea, in this sense being a standard cup with milk and no sugar, is something I find boring as shite.
I like sugar, I find a spoon of sugar improves the taste of tea.
I like honey, I also think it makes tea more palatable.
I have a similar feelings when it comes to the inclusion of whiskey or brandy to tea.
I also love Brown Sauce.
Which brings me to 3.30am this morning. Bored, wide awake and experiencing more than a little cabin fever 'that' scene from Intermission came into my brain. I should have told my brain to fuck off ya scummy fucker but in my mind I had nothing to lose.
In retrospect, I won't say my first mistake as there were many up to this point, my next mistake was putting milk into the tea.
The moment I poured the 'shot' of brown sauce, similar in proportion to that of the film, into the tea the milk had a reaction which I will only describe as horrific.
Serious curdling going on.
But no no, I decided to plough on.
I reassured myself with the knowledge that I would only have to take a sip, what harm could that do? The purpose of this exercise was not to see how I felt after drinking a full cup but solely to find out how it tasted.
I raised the cup to my mouth, placed my lips on the edge ( it's getting all Fifty Shades Of Tae in here... I'll get my coat) and took a sip...
It wasn't that bad. Not at all what I was expecting, kinda fruity, "I think I can manage another sip" I thought.
This second sip is where everything went to shit.
It was not fuckin' delish man.
I'll spare you the grotesqueness but I will say I have a new found familiarity with my kitchen sink and the dog, who had being sleeping at the time, isn't being friendly to me today.
A decent scientist would focus on the milk and the fact that it curdled, that I should re do the experiment with a cup of tea without milk. Yeah. I probably won't be doing that.
I'll leave it up to yourselves whether or not you want to give this 'a shot'...