Hangover Hazard: Shit At Shopping.

If I'm feeling a little rough on a Sunday evening I generally tackle the problem with a phone call to any one of a number of local businesses who are well stocked in either the curry or garlic sauce department...
Regardless of the state I'm in on a Monday I'll generally go to the shops and buy a few bits for the dinner... Just to get out of the house, like. On an all too regular basis, especially when the cursed horrors still have a tight grip on my emotions, I come home with absolutely nothing of significant value, nutritional or otherwise.
Case in point: Last Monday.

• Wraps 
• Cream cheese (I had the above regular cheese already, luckily enough)  
• Crispy onion bits 
• 6 packets of crisps 

That. was. fucking. it.

I'm not a young lad any more friends, this shit ain't excusable. The old brain cells really did hop on the mitch on this occasion. Although that being said, it is one of my ambitions to go on Ready Steady Cook with such an assortment of shite.

I decided to suffer on and make the most of this misspent (both time and money) endeavour and form the ingredients into some kind of super cheese & onion crisp sandwich that's wrapped in something that if I'd ever seen one as a child (a tortilla wrap in 80's Ireland?) I'd have presumed was a giant crisp (or possibly one of those big holy communions).

On the left you'll see I've slathered on some cream cheese with wild abondon, sprinkled it amorously with grated cheese then beautified the whole lot with crispy onion bits.
Sorry, I went a bit Nigella on that last sentence, moving on...
On the right is the result of 20 or 30 seconds in the microwave (it could have been a minute or 2 in the oven, I tried both ways with similar results).

Next I crushed up a bag of Walkers C & O and threw them on top. If you're using another brand you might only need half a bag but since the actual precise scientific measurement for how many crisps are in a bag of Walkers is 'Fuck All' I used a full bag.

That's it, wrap it up. There's no way of making this look any more wholesome than it is. You could garnish it with 20 Major if you wanted to quickly double the nutritional value though.

There's no easy way to describe eating this. I suppose the overriding emotion I felt was shame...

There's no supposing. It was shame. SHAME.

The tastes were all familiar, yet, never before had they been presented to my tongue without being backed up with something you could class as food. I immediately felt a hollowness in my stomach, not that I was going to get sick, more of a 'what the fuck are you doing to us' vibe. It tasted fine,I suppose, there was not one part that stood out as offensive, yet all together, offended was exactly how it felt. I made a second one just to be sure.

My mood was unusual for the rest of the night. 

I thought I'd look back at this 'cheese & onion crisps with cheeses and onions inside a thing that looks like a giant crisp' thing and laugh. I haven't yet and don't expect to any time soon. I'm not proud of what I've done. This isn't a blog post so much as it is an exercise in self inflicted public humiliation with the hopes that it won't be repeated again by you or me. 

Do not try this at home.

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B.Swine

The KC Special

I was asked last week to be a guest on The KC Show on Today FM during their broadcast from the 'Taste of Dublin' festival. The premise was simple:  Be interviewed on national radio and in front of a live audience at a posh food festival full of internationally renowned chefs about this absolute car crash of a blog and then make a sandwich for one of my hero's, Damien Dempsey.
No Problem. Want me to do it as gaeilge and with a bag of spiders in my pocket as well lads?
After I'd spent a couple of nights trying to settle the nerves by looking after my local publican's next mortgage payment it became apparent that I'd have no choice but to make a sandwich which would be curing the hollow feelings in my belly and soul. I worked off the principal that it had to be utterly distracting, that your mind would have no choice but to be completely taken over by the collection of tastes, flavours and textures, and thus away from that bastard of a hangover. I had to cover all bases but not overdo it at the same time; it may look to the cynical eye that I've just made a mess of a sandwich by firing everything I could think of into it but that is most definitely not the case. Everything here serves a purpose.

I'll get straight to the extensive list of ingredients used to make one of these fella's.

• Soft White Sub Rolls (I used Marks & Spencer ones, how very rich of me)
• Mayonnaise
• Mustard (Colman's English) 
• White Cheedar Cheese (Kilmeaden Light Green or Purple block is best)
• Tomato
• Rocket
• Scallion
• Coleslaw
• Crispy Onion Bits (they come in a tub, your local supermarket should have them)
• Ground Black Pepper
• Ham (Brady's glazed is what I used)
• Sliced Spanish Chorizo
• Italian Salami
• Cheese & Onion Crisps (I used King on this occasion)

Start off by splitting the roll in half. If you're the proud owner of an electric toaster give both halves a blast in it for about 45 seconds, not for the purpose of toasting, just enough to warm them through. This really gives a soft roll an extra bit of magic in the mouth department.

The order of assembly is quite important and without going into sandwich nerd mode this is what I think works best.

Start off by spreading mayonnaise on both halves, If you don't like mayonnaise you'd probably be best off reading a different blog. On the bottom half  put a little squirt of the mustard and spread it out evenly, the mayo will dilute its strength which would otherwise be a little too distressing for the sensitive hungover palate.
On top of this put three slices of salami, two slices of chorizo (halved) and three slices of tomato.
On the top half of the roll put about 6 slices of cheese of a thickness of your preference, I aim for a cut of about 1.5 to 2mm, then 2 slices of the Irish ham.

Next up absolutely destroy the tomatoes with pepper. I don't put any salt on them because I'm very health concious but I'm sure a little would be no harm if that's your pleasure. Put a generous amount of rocket on top of the tomatoes.
Cut the scallion into thin slices and put them on top of the ham side along with a liberal sprinkling of the crispy onions, don't be afraid that you're putting on too many as they'll need good numbers to break through the next ingredient: The Coleslaw. Coleslaw is a dangerous substance in a sandwich, it's delicious but it completely overpowers everything around it and since this sandwich has no defining central ingredient that you want to stand out you have to be careful with it. The amount above is the absolute most you should put on, I was on my 4th pint and God only knows how many free shot glasses of wine at the time so I was maybe a little too generous.

Which brings me nicely along to the next and final step in creating this monstrosity. Crisps. I've spoken at length before about crisp sandwiches but allow me to reiterate a few points:

• Go with Cheese & Onion, other flavours just aren't as good in a sandwich, simple as that. 
• The brand choice is paramount, Walkers had always been my favourite for this purpose but they've changed the recipe lately and now I'm not so sure so I went for the old reliable King crisp. Don't be tempted to go with fancy artisan brands, they're grand when you're eating them from the bag but their stronger flavour, harder texture and thickness do not suit a sandwich in my opinion. 
• Coleslaw and crisps together is the greatest thing since (I am not going to say it), seriously, put some in your next crisp sandwich. Also in a sandwich like this the coleslaw acts as a glue holding the crisps in place, which is convenient.
• Quantity. Don't go overboard, break up a handful of crisps, the amount above is a good guideline.

That's it, close it up and you're done. Just approach the nearest physically intimidating celebrity, hand it to him and stand nervously to one side while he silently chews his first bite all the while giving away no clue as to whether he's going to take a second bite or spit it out...

He took a second bite. Thanks be to Jaysus. He opened his mouth to speak and out came one, short, music to my ears declaration:

"It's a beauty"

...and with that I could consider the day a success. I'd like to say a huge thank you to KC, Ann, Adelle and Lenny for the opportunity to surely be the first person to walk through the gates of Taste of Dublin (or any other food festival for that matter) with a 6 pack of King crisps under their arm, Damien Dempsey who was, as always, a pleasure and an absolute gentleman and to Stephen Connelly and Tim Crowley for taking these photos and bringing me pints respectively. 

I'd also like to give a big shout out to Jean-Christophe Novelli who I met after the show and wanted to have a picture taken with me, he's a big fan of my work and someday dreams of making it as a chef. Never give up Jean-Christophe. Never give up.

Here's a bit of Mr. Dempsey to sooth the soul. Thanks for reading, and don't be afraid to give the page an aul like or a follow on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

B.S 

Tayto Bar - Milk Chocolate Bar with Cheese & Onion Crisps

Back in January news broke that Tayto were selling their own brand of chocolate at their Tayto Park in Ashbourne Co. Meath. The only question on anyone's lips upon hearing this was "What, is there crisps IN the chocolate?"

There wasn't. But look what the cute hoors have gone and done now...

I put this picture up on the Feeding time... Facebook page yesterday evening and the frenzied reaction to it was pretty much split down the middle between people dying to try it and people absolutely disgusted by this unholy union.

But obviously first and foremost what everyone want's to know is what's it like and is it nice.

Well it's not revolting as I was expecting. I thought I'd be spitting it out and passing the rest on to some unsuspecting mug.
I'll try to make this as concise as possible.

• The chocolate isn't the best, but I wasn't expecting much on that front.
• The crisp pieces are a small step up from dust but still plentiful enough (7% apparently) so that you can hear a little crunch in your mouth. 
• The overall experience is like eating a bar of chocolate with crispy pieces in it, kinda like a Golden Crisp or similar but with much much smaller bits, while the after-taste of a chocolate and crisp binge is being dispersed into your mouth as if by magic.

Third line down in the ingredients, Tayto Cheese and Onion!

But this is where it misses the point. That after-taste is a gentle (shameful to some, not me) reminder of what you've just eaten, in this case a bag of Tayto and a bar of chocolate, except you haven't. Crisps and chocolate are delicious together, whether you're a crisps before chocolate person (like me), chocolate before crisps or you eat both at the same time. It's an experience that can't be replaced. Not that this is what Tayto are trying to do here; I've just never wanted the taste of  chocolate and crisps in my mouth without actually eating them, anyone who has gotten a shift off someone who's just after eating this combination can attest to this. 

The bar is a novelty and nothing more in my opinion and it seems that Tayto don't seem to be marketing it as anything but that; They're playing up the 'Limited Edition' tag and it would be wise for them not to expect much repeat business.

Give it a try but you'll back to the old reliable bag and a bar in no time.

Hopefully this be the last of Tayto's chocolate experiments although if I spot a Turkish Delight infused with Prawn Cocktail crisps they will be getting another 99c out of me.

B.S

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