Monday, December 5, 2011

The Boozey Swine's Guide To... Enjoying a Fast Food Delivery

In my first instalment of "The Boozey Swine's Guide To..." series I tackle the seemingly simple but actually quite intricate task of successfully ordering, receiving and enjoying your favourite food.
While getting a delivery may seem like the laziest option,
and don't get me wrong; It fucking is, a little effort is required to make the most of it, thankfully though a lot less effort than actually going to the chipper* yourself.

Here's one I ate earlier.

Keep these helpful tips in mind and everything should go smoothly:

Menu Organisation
Keep ALL of your delivery menu's together, while this may lead to endless deliberations and arguments both with others and with your own brain, it is better than ordering from the Italian and realising 5 minutes before it's due at your door that you'd prefer an Indian. Knowledge is power people.

The Phone Call
Know what you want, and what everyone else wants, BEFORE dialing the number. Write it down if need be and if ordering for others make them leave the room, the call is a high pressure situation and you don't need someone in your ear nagging away at you to make sure they don't put onions on their burger.

Salt and Vinegar
If you want them: ASK FOR THEM. It's happened to me with every Chipper in Newbridge that delivers; most of the time they don't ask you if you want Salt and Vinegar, maybe they presume you have some at home but even if you do it doesn't taste as nice as when they put them on.

"COLD" Drinks
Bear in mind that if you're getting drinks with your order that they generally only keep cans and small bottles in their fridge. If you order a large bottle chances are it'll arrive at an inappropriately warm temperature. Make sure to always have the ice tray in your freezer stocked up on the clear stuff.

It's Get Your Shit Together Time
After the call is gone through this is the time to get your Glasses / Ice / Napkins / Sauces / Knives / Forks etc. ready, stick some plates in the oven, it's an absolute fact that chipper chips on a plate in your own home taste better than from the bag. You want as quick and smooth a transition from the handover of goods at your door to your final eating position as possible, you've got 20 minutes or more between the call and the food so make them count.

Pepper? Yes. Pepper is delicious on chipper chips. End of story.

The "Phantom Driver" Phenomenon
The closer you get to your advised delivery time the more seemingly acute your hearing will become and the more your brain will invent car sounds tricking you into thinking your food has arrived early. Try to stay calm. You will hear the doorbell when the driver arrives.

If you have pets, especially dogs, you'll need to keep them quarantined for the delivery and duration of your meal, actually from the time you order the food would be better because the bastards can see it in your face that you're getting the good stuff and they'll want in on it.

Appropriate Dress
When your food arrives you, or some other designated person, will have direct contact with another human being who you may or may not be familiar with. I know this is a less than ideal situation but it is one we must all deal with and so you must dress accordingly. This person is just doing their job and they don't need to be left mentally scarred after seeing someone who has been rolling around in their own filth all day. While shoes are optional, socks are not, put on a pair of socks. Now. While we're at it maybe you'd like to rethink those shorts?

If you're planning your evening around a movie, have it ready to play when your food is in front of you, do not start watching it before your food arrives, the greasy anticipation will only distract you.

Clean up
That's tomorrow's problem baby.

*While I refer to Chipper throughout this article these helpful tips apply to any and all take-away/delivery businesses regardless of their style or country/region of origin.

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