Not One Bit Of This Was Smart...

Due to the economic cluster fuck that's enriching our lovely little allotment at the moment I have found myself in the enviable position of no longer having to live by the previously con-straining and creatively stifling norms of 9-5 life and the constant gnawing of the well worn snooze button.

Or to put it in almost football like terms; The Boozey Swine. He sleeps when he wants.
And as such I eat when I want.
Like I did last a few weeks ago with this fine mess.
Wednesday night, a few sociable pints in good company that blossomed into a few cans (with levels of sociability at this point diminishing at a fairly predictable rate) followed by the uphill 2 mile 4am walk (a generous verb given the circumstances) to the home place, and without getting dramatic my denim jeans/denim jacket ensemble didn't really afford me adequate protection from the elements.
Add to all this I'd probably in the previous 24 hours, given my hectic schedule, eaten nothing but a bowl of cereal.
I was understandably tired, hungry, cold and emotional so the usual defences that I'd conditioned into my brain to stop, for the love of God, cooking/eating at awful hours like this had easily been anesthetized.

The Serious Shit/Disclaimer:
I'll never be one to advocate cooking in this condition, especially when you're alone. The sudden warmth and comfort of a house will send your body and brain to quickly prioritise sleep over food regardless of how hungry you are and the 18-22 minutes that the average pizza takes to cook is more than ample time for your body to switch off.
Luckily this hasn't happened to me, but I know of a number of people who've ruined food and more importantly ovens after falling asleep and I even know of one person who burnt their kitchen down after a chip pan fire.
If you really must cook in this condition (and really have a bit of cop on and don't) leave it to appliances that can shut off on a timer and set a countdown alarm on your phone. Let's not see a good pizza wasted.


It's a weekly ritual of mine to scour around the sauce aisles of the local shops looking for new products that might have a positive effect on my life. My sauces of choice of late have been getting hotter and spicier by the week as I've been finding it harder and harder to re live the glory of that first buzz.

Now this is being published partly in the hope that it'll sufficiently put me off ever doing it again. Clearly the combination of ingredients I used to make the following sauce had little bearing on flavour and all on how much heat I could create with absolutely no consideration on what state it was going to leave me in the next day.

I just went through the kitchen and took out everything with a bit of heat in it, of course I did have a little sense and blended everything with some mayonnaise, I'm not a complete maniac.
So I ended up with some ground Black Pepper, some ground Jamie Oliver, Jalapeño Hot Sauce, Habanero Ketchup, English Mustard, Mayo, Paprika and Cayenne Chilli Pepper.

I used it as a crust dipping sauce for this lad...

Cooked the pizza and slightly over cooked some curly fries...

Get a close up on that shite....

Mixed up it looks a lot less offensive...

There's no point describing the taste unless you want me to say it tasted like a box of matches. My insides didn't cool down for about 2 days after it. Do not do this to yourself, I did so you don't have to.

The pizza, which I've had without the lava is delicious, well worth a few quid. For a much nicer crust dipping sauce I recommend a combination of the 'Heinz Green Jalapeño Hot Sauce' and the 'Hot-Headz Habanero Ketchup' cut with some mayonnaise... You can even arrange it into an Italian flag, perfect for pizza!

Boozey Swine

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