Regardless of the state I'm in on a Monday I'll generally go to the shops and buy a few bits for the dinner... Just to get out of the house, like. On an all too regular basis, especially when the cursed horrors still have a tight grip on my emotions, I come home with absolutely nothing of significant value, nutritional or otherwise.
Case in point: Last Monday.
- Wraps
- Cream cheese (I had the above regular cheese already, luckily enough)
- Crispy onion bits
- 6 packets of crisps
That. was. fucking. it.
I'm not a young lad any more friends, this shit ain't excusable. The old brain cells really did hop on the mitch on this occasion. Although that being said, it is one of my ambitions to go on Ready Steady Cook with such an assortment of shite.
I decided to suffer on and make the most of this misspent (both time and money) endeavour and form the ingredients into some kind of super cheese & onion crisp sandwich that's wrapped in something that if I'd ever seen one as a child (a tortilla wrap in 80's Ireland?) I'd have presumed was a giant crisp (or possibly one of those big holy communions).
On the left you'll see I've slathered on some cream cheese with wild abondon, sprinkled it amorously with grated cheese then beautified the whole lot with crispy onion bits.
Sorry, I went a bit Nigella on that last sentence, moving on...
On the right is the result of 20 or 30 seconds in the microwave (it could have been a minute or 2 in the oven, I tried both ways with similar results).
Next I crushed up a bag of Walkers C & O and threw them on top. If you're using another brand you might only need half a bag but since the actual precise scientific measurement for how many crisps are in a bag of Walkers is 'Fuck All' I used a full bag.
On the left you'll see I've slathered on some cream cheese with wild abondon, sprinkled it amorously with grated cheese then beautified the whole lot with crispy onion bits.
Sorry, I went a bit Nigella on that last sentence, moving on...
On the right is the result of 20 or 30 seconds in the microwave (it could have been a minute or 2 in the oven, I tried both ways with similar results).
Next I crushed up a bag of Walkers C & O and threw them on top. If you're using another brand you might only need half a bag but since the actual precise scientific measurement for how many crisps are in a bag of Walkers is 'Fuck All' I used a full bag.
That's it, wrap it up. There's no way of making this look any more wholesome than it is. You could garnish it with 20 Major if you wanted to quickly double the nutritional value though.
There's no easy way to describe eating this. I suppose the overriding emotion I felt was shame...
There's no supposing. It was shame. SHAME.
The tastes were all familiar, yet, never before had they been presented to my tongue without being backed up with something you could class as food. I immediately felt a hollowness in my stomach, not that I was going to get sick, more of a 'what the fuck are you doing to us' vibe. It tasted fine,I suppose, there was not one part that stood out as offensive, yet all together, offended was exactly how it felt. I made a second one just to be sure.
My mood was unusual for the rest of the night.
I thought I'd look back at this 'cheese & onion crisps with cheeses and onions inside a thing that looks like a giant crisp' thing and laugh. I haven't yet and don't expect to any time soon. I'm not proud of what I've done. This isn't a blog post so much as it is an exercise in self inflicted public humiliation with the hopes that it won't be repeated again by you or me.
Do not try this at home.
B.Swine
that opening paragraph is among your very finest, Booze
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