A Tale Of 2 (Kebab) Pizzas

I'm not well. I never usually am for the few days after a stay in Thomastown, Co. Kilkenny; My spiritual home, thanks entirely to the beautiful souls that inhabit the area and have given me and my comrades in Band On An Island and our entourage some of the best memories and hangovers we'll ever be lucky enough to cherish and suffer.

That's my bit done for the local tourist board.

The reason for this trip was Neon Wolf. Great friends of ours from the locality for many years who to my and countless others delight have become one of the best bands this country has produced in a generation.
Knowing the carry on in store with their debut EP "Love Lost In Design" peaking on the download charts at number one last Friday and with a packed home town show lined up there was no keeping me and a few of the other Newbridge messers away.

Epic Bank Holiday Sunday gig done and dusted and many a beverage consumed into the early hours afterwards I made an attempt to get the lunchtime train home on Monday. Ham and cheese roll, newspaper and bottle of water in hand, myself and a very hungover Gary Wickham set off for the train station. Unfortunately Fortunately escaping from this town is never an easy task. No sooner had we walked out the door of the shop when Lee, bass man in Neon Wolf, and ourselves spotted each other from opposite sides of the road. Across the road from where I was standing is The Jerpoint Inn. Enough said. The whirlwind that transpired in the next 30 seconds was typical Thomastown. Before I knew it I was in the pub, sitting at the bar, surrounded by local heroes, Stevie, guitarist with Neon Wolf by my side. The barman, Stevie's cousin John, telling me that I wouldn't stand a chance of digesting that roll without drinking a pint of some description with it. I knew in my heart of hearts that I neither wanted nor could resist the all day session that was promised. Poor Gary, not having the luxury of the day off was sent packing to the train on his lonesome.

Bank Holiday Monday was there on a plate.. And by Jaysus the curse of the town would have been on me if I refused it.

Jump to 9pm.

So you know how'd you'd be with 10 or 15 pints inside of you, not to mention a couple of shots of some Godforsaken tack that more than closely resembled in colour and taste a pound shop grade shower gel; you're going to be a little bit peckish.
"Right boys, I'm going to get us something to eat". Having relocated a few hours earlier to the familiar head quarters of Eddie Murphy's Pub, I was going on the hunt for food. "Get the Taco Pizza in Monti's" I was told unanimously. "Fair enough!" says I.

Around the corner I went but alas whatever ingredient was crucial to the construction of this much revered beauty was lacking from the pizza makers arsenal on this occasion.
Never one to rest on my laurels when in this tender condition I ordered the item located next to the Taco Pizza on the menu : "Kebab Pizza". I paid up, went back around to finish my pint and returned 10 minutes later not having any inclination that the package I was handed would change the standards of what I would consider a taste sensation forever.

Now I'd like to state for the record that Monti's Take Away in Thomastown is a chipper I've visited on average of about once a month for the past few years and have never ever been even slightly disappointed with anything I've got from there. There's not a lot of chippers in Ireland that I can say that about. The best way to judge any chipper is by it's chips. There is no excuse for a bad bag of chips. Ever.
It drives me mad to get a bag of under cooked chips, many places will do this to keep a queue moving and get people away from the counter. Saving a minute or 2 in time might create the illusion of a better service but will ultimately send potential regular customers somewhere else. This practice is even rampant in the multinational fast food chains where their skinny, hardly worth a shite anyway, French fries take about 3 minutes from frozen to cook. The company policy of getting the customer served and away from the counter in seconds puts their employees under great pressure and I constantly see the fries being lifted from the cookers 30 seconds and up to a minute early creating a far inferior product. Have a look at the countdown timers visible from the counter the next time you see a member of awkwardly waiting for the fries to cook. Chip rant over. Just to say that I've never seen the staff in Monti's cut this or any other corner and it shows.

I was first off was very impressed with the artwork on the box. Not unique to here but none the less it's never any harm to put in a bit of effort in this department. An aul happy looking chef holding a delicious pizza standing in front of a view of a lovely sunny day over the sea. You couldn't ask for more than that in my book.

I couldn't resist a little sneaky peak inside on the 20 second walk back to the pub. It was one weird looking pizza but Holy Mother of God did it smell nice.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, I don't have a bulls notion what was on the thing apart from the doner kebab meat. There's clearly 2 different sauces on this lad, maybe there was a little cheese on the base, I can't honestly say. What I can say is that at the time of eating, and I'm fully aware that legally I probably shouldn't have been even let operate the simple mechanism of opening a pizza box but, it was the tastiest pizza I've ever eaten.

Sure look at the delighted satisfied heads on me and Stevie eating the thing. 

On Tuesday morning while making a break for the relative solitude of Co. Kildare, and even in the absolute tatters that I was in, I made sure to pass by Monti's on the tiny chance they might be open early to repeat the previous nights creation, it wasn't to be.

So there I was the very next day searching all the pizza places in Newbridge on the off chance that they might do a similar kebab pizza. I hit on one place offering a "Greek Kebab Pizza: Tasty lamb kebab meat with sliced red onions & Tzatziki sauce." This was from the newly reopened and relocated  Apace Pizza. I've always liked Apace (even allowing for the very annoying and stereotypically questionable "Apace Pizza, Happy Days" radio ad) so I was glad to see them reopening in the town. I threw in an order to them via the just-eat.ie website.

Another reason why I was glad to see Apace reopen was they do just about the nicest side order in the business. Jalapeño Poppers. At €4 for 4 they are a little expensive but I will say that the other times I've had this side order were in 2 or 3 well respected places in New York and none of them could hold a candle to the ones from Apace.

All they are is Jalapeños stuffed with cream cheese, battered and deep fried. Absolute perfection. I'd eat them by the ton.

Now my first impression of the pizza after I'd seen what the other looked like was "these aren't the droids I'm looking for". And it wasn't. Now that's not to say there is anything wrong with this pizza, it was tasty and I stuffed my face....

And my trusty side kick Pippin's face with it. As as rule she eats a little of everything I get. She's like a canary down the mineshaft, the day she starts getting sick from eating all this crap I'll start to worry about myself.
She was doing laps of the kitchen for the doner meat, she loved it.

But anyway to get to the point. If I had of gotten this pizza from Apache without tasting the one from Monti's I would have been perfectly happy with it. It's definitely worth a try. It seems there's a whole world of Kebab Pizzas out there and I'm more than happy to try them all.

Here's the debut single and video from Neon Wolf. I can't recommend the EP enough, buy it from iTunes or preferably from your local sole trader Irish owned record shop but either way check them out.

Incidentally this isn't the first time Neon Wolf have been featured on this blog. Drummer Joe was featured in The Dog Father Hot Dogs but unfortunately has since sold the operation on. I hope whoever takes over the reigns of this wonderful hot dog making machine gives it as much care and attention as Joe did.

Till next time
B.S x

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Guacamole, Pancetta and 2 Cheese Sandwich

I'm a big fan of the aul Guacamole, it's an under used substance in Irish society. I'd never made it before today though, I'd been a bit put off by all the different recipes doing the rounds so I decided to check with Roisin Dempsey, maker of the finest guacamole in Newbridge. Simplicity seems to be the key, ripe avocados being the main ingredient, with just some lime juice, garlic and salt and pepper.

I've also been curious about those little packets of bacon bits and how they'd do in a sandwich. They're little cubes of dry cured Italian bacon which in itself, I'm told, is called Pancetta. I've always thought that some sandwiches aren't suited to having bacon in one big strip. It can sometimes, especially in melted cheese situations, bond with all the other fillings and pull everything out with your first bite, making a mess of your well deserved snack.

I've seen "Grilled Cheese with Guacamole" doing the rounds on the internet for a while and I've been looking forward to trying it. I've decided to add cream cheese to the cheddar cheese as they work fantastic together in these type of hot sandwiches and switch out traditional rashers with pancetta. A little tomato never hurts either!

Altogether I used 2 avocados, a lime, 2 cloves of garlic and salt and pepper for the guacamole, then some grated cheddar cheese, cream cheese, a tomato, the pancetta and this sandwich bread which I find, strangely enough, is good for sandwiches.

First off I prepared the Guacamole. It's important to use ripe avocados, give em an aul squeeze when your buying them and pick the soft ones. Cut them in 2 like this and remove the conker on steroids that resides in their core.

Finely chop up a couple of cloves of garlic. I don't know if this qualifies as finely chopped but it's as finely as I could manage.

Scoop out the flesh of the avocado with a spoon, add the garlic and the juice of a lime to the mix, through in a little salt and good dose of pepper then mash the shit out of it...

...Until it looks a little something like this. This is actually quite a lot, if I was only using it for a couple of sandwiches half this would have easily done. Rest assured it won't go to waste, I'm sure I'll find some class of a crisp to shovel it down with.

Next up is this gear. One of these portions was plenty for 2 sandwiches. 

I just threw it on a frying pan for a few minutes until it crisped up a little, no need for oil, it's full of grease as it is. It's no harm to drain off that grease when it's done either, spare half a thought for your ticker!

Now it's time to construct the sandwich. I spread the cream cheese on both slices of bread then spread a nice layer of guacamole on top of one of those. I grated up some cheese and cut 4 thin slices of tomato.

Then on the guacamole slice I sprinkled some of the pancetta cubes while the grated cheese and tomato was arranged on the other slice.

Close her up and butter the outside thoroughly, then lob it onto the frying pan butter side down.

With the buttered side cooking butter the upward facing slice. Give it 90 seconds to 2 minutes on each side. Keep an eye on it though, carefully lifting the corners with a spatula. Under cooking or over cooking can spoil a fried sandwich.

You should end up with something like this.

It was pretty fecking nice, well worth a try if you're into the effort of it all. I've never had shop bought guacamole but I doubt it's as good as the freshly made stuff but it could save a lot of time. A few tips if you're going to try this would be to not over do it on the guacamole, it's a strong element of the sandwich and you don't want to go overboard. On the other hand don't be afraid to use plenty of cream cheese and cheddar cheese, they match up great with the guacamole while the tomato being a classic ingredient only adds to the buzz. The pancetta adds another great element to this, the strong salty flavour cuts great with everything else and also adds a nice chewy bite. Don't be afraid to add plenty of this either.

Until the next time, I've been the Boozey Swine.

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Salami Scrambled Eggs

I'm a fussy bastard. Especially when it comes to eggs. I was in my twenties before I ate a complete fried egg for fuck sake. Before that I'd only eat the yellow bit. I've been gradually trying over the last couple of years to get over this fear. Once I'd developed a taste for the fried, poached and boiled varieties I knew things were about to get tricky as I faced my next challenge, that trepidating foray into Scrambled Egg/Omelette territory. To make a boring story short I like scrambled eggs, omelettes and their texture; not so much. I do like, however, the mechanics behind the creation of a good omelette, i.e. throwing absolutely everything and anything into it and frying it up. I have also discovered that the best way, well my favourite way, to scramble eggs is to cook them in a frying pan.

This is my attempt at having the best of both worlds. 

"Eggs, Milk, Cheddar Cheese, Parmesan Cheese, Salami, 

Onion and Ground Chilli Pepper (Jamie Oliver optional)"

I figured out a while ago that I was going to have to put some kind of contingency plan in place should I ever run out of bread, and thus be lacking a proper mode of transportation for the meat and cheese that has to go into my belly. Crackers ain't gonna cut it for dinner I'm afraid, so I quickly focussed my attention on eggs.

The problem with eggs is that they don't taste of much. They work best when they're part of a great team, like a good central defender, think Steve Bruce in a yellow and white jersey.

Tonight, as I was looking for ingredients to put into this dish, I was left very disappointed when I realised that I had no scallions or tomatoes. Shockingly this turned out to be a good thing. The combination of shite that made it's way into this particular scrambled delight was my favourite yet and I'm very glad I had my camera out to capture the moment.

As you can see in the wonderfully presented photo above the ingredients are pretty basic. Ok not everyone is going to have parmesan cheese and ground chilli pepper; cheddar on it's own and regular pepper will do. BUT everyone should, after the lecture I'm about to give, have Salami Milano in their fridge. I get irritable if I've less than two packets of this wonder meat in the house. I have no interest in any other meat after tasting it's superb flavour. Salami was recommended to me before, see Shauna's Bagel, but I only recently got around to devoting a little time to this cured Italian miracle. To illustrate this point most simply: I bought some Salami on Christmas Eve, as you do, and have not bought any other type of meat since. No chicken, no roast beef and most shockingly of all... NO HAM.
It's been the centrepiece of almost every sandwich I've eaten at home in the last 3 weeks. Fried, though, it becomes an altogether different beast. I can't describe it, you just have to smell and taste it for yourself.

Enough chat. Heat up a frying pan with some olive oil, dice up some onion and roughly chop or tear up about six slices of Salami.

Throw it all in there and let it fry up for a few minutes...

While this is frying you'll want to get your other shit ready, crack 3 eggs into some sort of a bowl, add a little milk and mix it all up nicely with a fork. Grate up a very generous amount of cheddar cheese and have the parmesan and ground chilli ready too.

After 2 or 3 minutes remove the Salami and onion from the pan and onto a plate. Now this is important; DO NOT throw away the cocktail of Olive Oil/Salami Fat/Onion Juice that is in the pan. This is liquid gold. This is what's gonna make these eggs the best eggs you've ever tasted.

The entire cooking process from now to the plate is only about a minute or two.
First pour the eggs into the pan that's covered in that priceless oil.

Immediately top off with the cheddar cheese, the Salami and onion and then the chilli pepper and parmesan.

Now this is how you scramble eggs on a frying pan; drag your spatula from the outside of the pan towards the centre until all the raw egg has come in contact with the hot surface and has cooked, (Kinda like this dude does)

Remember It'll cook really fast and is best eaten immediately so have your plate/bowl ready to go.
Top off with a little more chilli and parmesan and you're done.

Some kind of crazy alchemy shit happens when the fried salami and eggs come in contact; they become greater than the sum of their parts. It's just fucking delicious. It's also about the most filling meal that I've ever eaten that contains practically no carbs; that's one for you Atkins dieters. It's really simple and quick to make; preparation and cooking time is only about 5 minutes.

I'm delighted with how this turned out, give it a go, it makes a great breakfast, lunch or dinner (from a purely taste perspective that is, your cardiologist, should you have one, will almost certainly have a different view).

B.S.

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The Elvis Sandwich...

Today would have been Elvis Presley's 76th Birthday. Partly thanks to eating sandwiches like the one I'm about to make he got nowhere near that age. You live by the sword, you die by the sword.

Now there's more than one sandwich connected to The King; the "Fool's Gold Loaf" is the most disgusting of them all and one which I will NEVER attempt to make. It consists of a hollowed out loaf of bread filled with a full jar of grape jelly (jam), a full jar of peanut butter and a POUND of bacon. If you want to try one I believe Leahy's Funeral home sell them.

The sandwich I'm going to make consists of Peanut Butter and Banana in white bread. Fried.
Some reports say Elvis also loved bacon on this sandwich. Fuck that shit. It's a Sunday evening and I don't want both the pints I drank last night and the pints I plan on drinking later being ruined. There's a time and a place for everything. Even bacon.

I have no idea how this is gonna turn out or how manky it's gonna taste but here I go anyway.

There's only a few basic ingredients; a banana, some peanut butter (the smooth kind), 2 slices of white bread and some "as far as I'm concerned it IS butter"

Mash up the banana (this was a disgusting process) and spread it on one slice of bread, spread peanut butter on the other.

Close it over and butter the outside of the sandwich.

Throw onto a preheated frying pan, butter side down, and butter the other side.

Give it a couple of minutes and turn it over when it looks like this:

Give the other side a couple of minutes and you're all done.

Hmmm... At first it wasn't as bad as I though it would be. I nearly managed to eat half of it but then my stomach started panicking mildly.
It just was not right. Hot banana?! Hot Peanut Butter?! In a FRIED Sandwich?! No. No. No.
This is a combination that neither my taste buds, my stomach nor my brain can endorse.
It was a hunka hunka burning shite.

Elvis, you're sound for doing what you did for Rock 'n' Roll and all that but I'm just not a fan of your sandwiches.
If only you'd stuck to the toasted ham and cheese you might still be with us... Probably not though.

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My Favourite Rasher Sandwich...

Everybody's got their favourite Rasher Sandwich; this is mine. It's not up for discussion, my mind will not be changed, I do not need suggestions on how to make it bettter, it does not need ketchup, brown sauce, onions or tomatoes. It is what it is: Fucking Delicious.
Everything works together perfectly; all the individual parts compliment the shit out of each other. I've been eating these lads for years and have tried them with other bits and nothing tops this.
Ok? Wonderful. Let's go.

Only a few ingredients are needed, Rocket (Arugula to the Americans), White Cheddar Cheese, Rashers (Bacon, again for the Americans), Soft White Rolls (any shape or size) and mayo.

First off throw a few rashers under the grill, cooking them at a nice high temperature not only ensures that the fat gets really nice and crispy but also reassures you that your smoke detectors are functioning properly.

About 2 (big) or 3 (small) rashers per roll is plenty. While they're cooking get your other shit ready.

Put a little effort in; the way some people hack up a roll or a block of cheese is nothing short of criminal. A nice evenly cut roll and neat slices of cheese is not a lot to ask.
It'll taste nicer and you'll feel better about yourself.
The only negative about rashers is they tend to go cold very fast; following my steps will have you eating the sandwich within 30 seconds of the rashers safely exiting the grill.
Keep a close eye on the piggie strips, when you think they're done (they're not, they can handle another minute) pop the roll into the toaster for about 30 or 40 seconds; it's delicious when it's really really lightly toasted.

Like this.

Mayonnaise up both sides of the roll.

Take out the rashers.

When Bruce Springsteen cooks rashers they look like this.

Throw on a couple.

Then a nice layer of cheese.

Top with a decent handful of rocket.

Close it up and get it into you.

If you're like me and you never eat just one sandwich, don't assemble your subsequent sandwich at the same time as the first, turn off the grill and put the rashers you're gonna use for the next sandwich back in to keep them hot without burning them, you don't want a delicious first sandwich followed up with a slightly colder and thus inferior second one.

B.S

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The Boozey Swine's Guide To... Enjoying a Fast Food Delivery

In my first instalment of "The Boozey Swine's Guide To..." series I tackle the seemingly simple but actually quite intricate task of successfully ordering, receiving and enjoying your favourite food.
While getting a delivery may seem like the laziest option,
and don't get me wrong; It fucking is, a little effort is required to make the most of it, thankfully though a lot less effort than actually going to the chipper* yourself.

Here's one I ate earlier.



Keep these helpful tips in mind and everything should go smoothly:

Menu Organisation
Keep ALL of your delivery menu's together, while this may lead to endless deliberations and arguments both with others and with your own brain, it is better than ordering from the Italian and realising 5 minutes before it's due at your door that you'd prefer an Indian. Knowledge is power people.

The Phone Call
Know what you want, and what everyone else wants, BEFORE dialing the number. Write it down if need be and if ordering for others make them leave the room, the call is a high pressure situation and you don't need someone in your ear nagging away at you to make sure they don't put onions on their burger.

Salt and Vinegar
If you want them: ASK FOR THEM. It's happened to me with every Chipper in Newbridge that delivers; most of the time they don't ask you if you want Salt and Vinegar, maybe they presume you have some at home but even if you do it doesn't taste as nice as when they put them on.

"COLD" Drinks
Bear in mind that if you're getting drinks with your order that they generally only keep cans and small bottles in their fridge. If you order a large bottle chances are it'll arrive at an inappropriately warm temperature. Make sure to always have the ice tray in your freezer stocked up on the clear stuff.

It's Get Your Shit Together Time
After the call is gone through this is the time to get your Glasses / Ice / Napkins / Sauces / Knives / Forks etc. ready, stick some plates in the oven, it's an absolute fact that chipper chips on a plate in your own home taste better than from the bag. You want as quick and smooth a transition from the handover of goods at your door to your final eating position as possible, you've got 20 minutes or more between the call and the food so make them count.

Pepper
Pepper? Yes. Pepper is delicious on chipper chips. End of story.

The "Phantom Driver" Phenomenon
The closer you get to your advised delivery time the more seemingly acute your hearing will become and the more your brain will invent car sounds tricking you into thinking your food has arrived early. Try to stay calm. You will hear the doorbell when the driver arrives.

Pets
If you have pets, especially dogs, you'll need to keep them quarantined for the delivery and duration of your meal, actually from the time you order the food would be better because the bastards can see it in your face that you're getting the good stuff and they'll want in on it.

Appropriate Dress
When your food arrives you, or some other designated person, will have direct contact with another human being who you may or may not be familiar with. I know this is a less than ideal situation but it is one we must all deal with and so you must dress accordingly. This person is just doing their job and they don't need to be left mentally scarred after seeing someone who has been rolling around in their own filth all day. While shoes are optional, socks are not, put on a pair of socks. Now. While we're at it maybe you'd like to rethink those shorts?

Entertainment
If you're planning your evening around a movie, have it ready to play when your food is in front of you, do not start watching it before your food arrives, the greasy anticipation will only distract you.

Clean up
That's tomorrow's problem baby.

*While I refer to Chipper throughout this article these helpful tips apply to any and all take-away/delivery businesses regardless of their style or country/region of origin.

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Jalapeño and 2 Cheese Fried Sandwich *UPDATED

SANDWICH OF YEAR 2011!!

*UPDATE: 17/Jan/2012
"Without too much deliberation I've decided that this is my favourite sandwich of 2011, I revisited it today with a view to making it less of an awkward bollox to make and have succeeded. I'll leave the original post intact but proceed to the end to see a much easier way to obtain and prepare the Jalapeño part of this phenomenal sandwich."

Let me make two things perfectly clear from the outset on this sandwich:

1. It's a bit of a pain in the bollox to make. 10 minutes is enough time to put into a toasted cheese sandwich, this is gonna set you back about half an hour.

2. If you don't like Jalapeños or spicy things in general don't go anywhere; simply by leaving this hot green lad out of the recipe you will have just about the nicest toasted/grilled cheese sandwich you've ever had.
I guarantee it.

I'd been looking around the net for a while for ideas on how to put Jalapeños into a sandwich when I started to see a few recipes that took their inspiration from the "Jalapeño Popper". For those who don't know what that is it's basically a hollowed out Jalapeño stuffed with cream cheese, battered and deep fried. They are tasty. Very much so.
I had to do a bit of looking around for fresh Jalapeños in Newbridge, I found some in Tesco in a packet of hot mixed chillies, other than that you just need some cream cheese, ie Philadelphia, cheddar cheese, white bread, scallions, pepper and butter.

Now the awkward bastard of this is the preperation of the Jalapeños, first off you have to roast them.
(See UPDATE at the end of the post for a much easier way of going about the next 3 steps)

Give them about 10 minutes on a hot plate or under a grill or whatever, this was all a bit of guess work to know when they were done but they turned out good.

After you've taken them off the grill put them into a sealable bag for another 10 minutes, this will steam them and make the skin easier to remove which is what you've got to do next.

Peal off the skin, cut off the ends, then slice them open and remove the seeds.

Next finely chop up some scallions and mix them along with some black pepper into a good dollop of the cream cheese till it's good and smooth.

Just like this delicious mess.





Give 2 slices of bread a very generous spread of this gear.

Give it a layer of the Jalapeños.

Followed by a layer of  cheese. Close the sandwich over and butter the top half.

Place on a preheated (medium heat) frying pan, butter side down, then butter the top half.

 

Give it a couple of minutes on either side until it's golden brown.

Here it is, a great grilled/toasted/fried/whatever you want to call it Jalapeño cheese sandwich. I didn't last long and you'd easily put 2 or 3 of them away, if I figure out a quicker way to prepare the Jalapeños I'll let you know but this way is definitely worth the effort. The combination of the spicy, but not to the point of painful, Jalapeños combined with the 2 types of cheese is in my opinion one of the tastiest things you can eat.
I only had enough Jalapeños for one sandwich but was only a little surprised to find that the second sandwich I made without them, but with everything else mentioned here, was the MOST DELICIOUS CHEESE SANDWICH I've ever had.

This is definitely in my top 5 sandwiches of all time, try it and if you've any suggestions or ideas let me know!

Boozey

*UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

Buy a jar of these lads. They are in supermarkets in the jar isle. Take the necessary amount out of the jar to cover a slice of bread (how densely populated depends on how hot you like your food, don't be a coward, the more the better) and throw onto something hot, a frying pan or a hot plate or whatever for about 5 minutes, prepare the rest of the sandwich while your doing this. No need to take out the seeds or remove the skin, they taste just as fantastic as the original method above. My only other advice is to not get lazy and throw them onto the sandwich straight from the jar, while this won't make a bad sandwich it definitely will be an inferior one.

Oh and one more thing... GRATE THE  CHEDDAR CHEESE instead of slicing it, this way it'll melt much better!

Enjoy

B.S  Jan 2012

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