Hot Dogs Both Ways (Sober and Drunk)

I and, I think I'd be right in assuming, a lot of other Irish people have a complicated relationship with hot dogs. They don't offend me, I like them, but I eat them quite rarely in comparison to the other fast food staples. Put this down to their lack of availability, comparatively speaking to other countries where they're on every corner and in every shop, or the fact that most chippers make an absolute hames of them by thinking lettuce and red sauce are appropriate combination of toppings and by burning the absolute bollox out of the dog in the deep fat fryer, if you'll excuse the imagery.
Personally I want something more substantial and a burger is always going to fill that void over a hot dog anyday.... But I do like the occasional hot dog... and I think they can be something better so this is where that journey begins.
Unknown hours (likely in the region of 2) of research were spent running videos past my eyes and reading recipes and tutorials about 'The Perfect Hot Dog' before I landed at this, my main event of Hot Dogs (we'll get to my other, drunken, variety later on), a combination of a few of the best ways of eating hot dogs out there which I rolled into one super dog and proceeded to double in size and package in a common as muck roll.
I guarantee if you eat one of these you'll never go back to a simple dog again.

At first glance some of the techniques in this operation may seem a little excessive, but trust me, they all serve a purpose, so stick with me...

Round 1: Sober.
Let's address exactly what this beast is right from the start: 2 hot dogs stuffed with processed cheese, wrapped in bacon, fried in a load of onions and green peppers, laid down on a bed of the aforementioned bacon infused vegetables along with some mayonnaise, topped off with the traditional red sauce and mustard all encased in a freshly baked baguette.

The ingredients are very straight forward; your sauces, onion and pepper, streaky rashers, hot dogs of your choosing, a standard aul par baked baguette (the stuff of bread purists horrors) and shit cheese... I say 'shit' cheese, firstly because that's a fact but more so because I've recently come to realise for functions such as this, where quick and consistent melting is paramount, the cheaper and lesser known the brand name the better. The brand name I'm using escapes me but I'm picking up slices regularly from a German dealer in town for a unit cost of 7.5cent when bought in 10's. You'll also need some cocktail sticks to hold the rashers in place.

Carefully slicing a hot dog length-ways and shoving bits of, what can doubtfully be legally considered, cheese into it is not the most satisfying or glamorous thing you're ever going to do in a kitchen but persevere with it.

Wrap a rasher around it and stick a cocktail stick through both ends to hold it in place.
(A sentence I never envisioned typing) 

Set those lads off with a bit of oil in a hot pan. Now is also a good time to tell you that you should have put that baguette in the oven before even touching the hot dogs.

Chop up about half an onion and half a pepper per double hot dog roll.

Fire them into the pan along with the hot dogs. Don't be concerned about cheese leakage (another sentence I never thought I'd type), it'll either burn and crisp into the rashers or get lost in the mix of peppers, onions and rasher grease that's all going to end up in your roll anyway.

One of these baguettes takes about 10 minutes in the oven to hit optimal breadness, leaving it to chill out for at least 5 minutes afterwards ensures you won't get severely burned and more importantly the roll won't disintegrate in your hand when you go to cut into it. I suggest cracking a bottle of Finkbrau from the aforementioned German dealer (from which I received no commercial incentive to mention) while you wait. Slice it open and get very generous with the mayonnaise.

When the rashers look cooked and nice 'n' crispy you're ready to roll, if you'll pardon the pun. Get them out of the pan and remove all the cocktail sticks, you'll have a bad day otherwise. 

When the peppers and onions are tender and a little brown you know you're good to go.

Load them into the roll.

Hold that gloriously bacon and cheese infused veg in place with the 2 hot dogs laid end to end on top.

Top with the traditional combo of American mustard and red sauce. Serve with a freezing cold beer and thank me for the next 5 to 7 minutes of Heaven that you're about to experience....

Round 2: Drunk.

And then, unsurprisingly, after my evenings business was attended to and a few pints were consumed down my local, I arrived home with the urge for a bit of grub pestering me...

Now I have it ingrained in myself not to operate any more kitchen equipment than is absolutely necessary while mildly, or otherwise, intoxicated. If you can get away with just operating an oven and leaving the hot frying pan out of your life then I thoroughly recommend it for the well being of yourself and the fellow occupants of your home.

It's highly unlikely, at the stage of the night, that you'll be arsed with all that stuffing cheese into the hot dog carry on. The drunken gut wants strong flavours, hot spices, cheese and none of your fancy stuff. Quickly and with as little hassle as is drunkenly or humanly possible bake a roll and then put a few slices of cheese into it arranged like above...

You can be sure I still wanted fried onions though so I compromised and chopped some up onto a plate and poured a little olive oil and black pepper over them then threw them into the oven along with the cheesed up roll for a few minutes to heat and melt all that stuff nicely.

Then as I put the onions on top of the cheese I remembered I had Tabasco Sauce. Ace.

After I destroyed the onions with Tabasco I lashed on a load of mayo and threw in 2 hot dogs that I microwaved to perfection, and topped it all off with the obligatory mustard and red sauce. This was an utter success, I'd be only delighted to eat it sober. The only problem I had was I still wasn't full and I was out of baguettes.... And there was only one measly slice of bread left...

The Bonus Round: Desperation.

I think you see where this is going. One slice of bread, toasted, cut in half, topped with a folded over slice of cheese on each side, onions, pepper and olive oil and into the oven....

Then topped it off in the now familiar manner....

And if my memory serves me correctly, there wasn't a damn thing on Earth wrong with this effort either... 

Hot dogs are great, we just need to, as a nation, put a little bit more effort and imagination into what we do with them, it's not that hard at all to make them feel a little more special... They're back on the menu in my world...

Boozey Swine

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Rasher Sandwich - An Exercise in Hangover Obliteration.

This post was originally written for, and published on, 'The Thread' in June 2014. It is an update/extra strength version of  My Favourite Rasher Sandwich...

Ingredients:
Streaky Bacon
White Cheddar Cheese, sliced.
Red Cheddar Cheese, grated.
Cream Cheese.
Rocket.
1 bread roll with plenty of backbone.

I'm fond of a rasher sandwich. Quite fond indeed.

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon, in my less than humble opinion,  the perfect combination of ingredients to make the best rasher sandwich you will ever eat. It's very simple; White cheddar (not melted), rocket and a bit of mayo on a soft, white, lightly toasted roll.

I'm not changing my stance on that one inch but today I've taken a slightly different angle on that sandwich and stepped it up a notch. A fairly unhealthy notch. 

I, from time to time, suffer from a brand of hangover that can only be described as 'hollow', both in the physical and psychological sense and I need something all encapsulating to fill that void. Grease and cheese tends to work. 

Rasher sandwiches form an all too significant part of my diet. They're by no means reserved for the aftermaths of heavy sessions, but on occasions such as this they need to be persuaded to go the extra mile by adding just a little more propellant. Propellant in this instance being more cheese, more types of cheese and much more of the staple known as bacon...

The first step on this journey is to get those rashers into the grill. As this calls for a lot of them I've gone with the streaky ones. 7 of them. With a less weapons grade sandwich I'd tend to go with a lesser amount of regular rashers but that's not what I'm dealing with here.

Picking the right roll is important. I went with a crustier roll than I normally would just because I knew anything less would disintegrate with the amount of shite that'll be going into this. 

I normally wouldn't put any sauce on one of these sandwiches, I usually use mayonnaise but its purpose is purely for lubrication and not for any added flavour. I've left the mayo in the fridge altogether this time and left the lubricating side of things to something that kinda looks like coleslaw. But it ain't coleslaw. I decided to mix half a tub of cream cheese with a shit load of grated cheddar. I don't know if this is a thing people do but I can certainly live with my decision.

When the rashers were nearing the top of their game I threw the roll in to give it a bit of a warm....

...then took a lot of pleasure in lashing on that creamy cheese mess.

Then the real fun begins...

A good solid underlay of rashers followed by a carpet of sliced white cheddar cheese.

 And repeat. I can attest that cold, i.e not melted, white cheddar on top of rashers is just about the nicest flavour sensation there is.

A load of rocket goes on the top half of the cheesed up roll and the work is over...

 Just serve it up with a well iced fizzy drink of choice, I recommend a nice rock shandy for this trip...

The point of a hangover cure is to provide complete distraction from all of its symptoms. If you've made this right you're entire being should be consumed by the cheese and rasher overload. If you can count backwards from 10 you haven't put enough of something on there. This should hopefully get you to the place you want be before you get that all important nights sleep (the cheese will work wonders in that department too) that with any luck will have you back to your old self the following morning/afternoon.

Boozey Swine.

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Late Night Fast Food: A Plea For Reason and Sanity

The system is broken and we don't even realise there's a problem.

Green to me means go, proceed, etc... This is confusing.

Let me bring something to your attention.

Two occasions in the last month have made me realise that we can do better as a society.

The first time was one night when I was walking home at approximately 1.20am, not hungry or looking for a snack, just listening to a few tunes when a car pulled in beside me and in a panicked fashion the driver asked me was there anywhere they would get food. This being a Tuesday or Wednesday night I told them they'd have to make do with whatever they could get from the 24 hour garage. She pleaded "But is there no takeaways open?!?!", my heart sank a little as I had to crush that last little ounce of hope she was clinging to.

Only one week later I was in a strangely similar predicament, this time I was starving, but I already knew the answer. At least my brain knew, my stomach wanted to believe another story. Leaving work just after 1am, a Wednesday night, I knew there was nowhere open, that 4 packets of crisps and a loaf of whatever bread was left in the 24 hour would be my only solace.

Crisp sandwiches are exceptionally difficult to construct on the walk home.

But what the gut wants, the gut wants: Fried Chicken. I emerged onto the Main St. to some kind of shit version of Las Vegas. The place lit up like a bonfire of cheap neon.

I knew the chippers were closed. The chippers knew the chippers were closed. Were they dressed accordingly? Not a chance. If I see lights, I think open for business. Chippers would claim they leave lights on for advertising. It's a sick and twisted act of temptation; shining a light on what you cannot have, illuminating the empty chasm of your stomach.

Chippers you're doing yourselves absolutely no favours. Here's a simple rule of thumb;

If it's late enough that you're closed, anybody who is out in public wants fast food. 

Your brightly lit beacons of disappointment are pissing people off. Nobody sees them and thinks "oh, maybe I'll get food from there tomorrow"...
Their only thought is "Chicken skin. Now".

Now I'm not one to go ranting about this seemingly trivial problem without presenting a solution. And my proposed solution is twofold.

1. The Traffic Light System.

Chippers want to advertise at all hours of the day and night as is their right and are highly unlikely to change that policy after hearing the ravings of a guy with a nickname like mine. What I propose is a lighting system, just like traffic lights. Green for open. Red for closed. Maybe even an orange light to signal that they're on their last orders and you better get there sharpish. Their name is still illuminated, just in one very clear colour.

Just so we're absolutely clear: THIS IS  ALL WRONG.

That solves that problem. If there's a simpler or more rational way to fix this issue I'm all ears.

This has no relevence to this story other than it being a tray of sauces that looks like a traffic light.

2. Rotating Mandatory Takeaway Opening.

Just like pharmacies rotate which ones open late at night or on a Sunday, chippers should be made do the same as a form of service to the people of their respective town. At a quick count, just using Newbridge as an example, I can think of at least 8 takeaways on the Main St. that if they took it on a one week rotating basis they'd each only have to open late (until 7am the next morning, when hot deli counters start opening) about 6 weeks a year. Hike up the prices 10, 20, even 25% to cover staff and security costs, we wouldn't care. The business generated would be minimal, I know, but think of the smile that'd be put on the face of the person coming off the late shift in work who can't face another Pot Noodle sandwich or the happy drunk stumbling home from a few late cans in a mates house who wants the last mile of his journey home to be spent trying to solve the puzzle of how to dip a large battered burger into a tub of curry sauce. It'd bring happiness to the hearts of everyone involved. Again in conjunction with the 'Traffic Light System' identifying which chipper is on the late night opening would be simple. 

Lets not stop the Traffic Light System there though, put it into play within bars and niteclubs for people who, unlike me, aren't so acutely aware of last order times.

I'm only trying to make this country a better place for all of us. If you agree with what I've said please forward this not only to your local Chippers & Takeaways, but now in this time of elections, send it to your local politicians imploring them to put this system into law where it rightly belongs.

B.S

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Chocolate, Banana and Raspberry Milkshake

I had a few "Monday Pints? Be Grand" last night. Now while I was far from suffering from a hangover, my tastes were a little off kilter this morning. So after the chicken curry, chicken balls and chips that I had for breakfast I was in the humour for making a milkshake at home. One of the by products of the few pints, while I'm still not conceding it being a symptom of a hangover, was having absolutely zero interest in reading instructions on how to make a milkshake or measuring out the quantities involved...

So I gathered up what I had....

...and fired 'some' of each into the blender...

I've made a terrible mistake.

I immediately knew I had put in too much milk so I compensated by upping the ice cream, chocolate and raspberry content. It eventually ended in me adding 3/4 of the entire tub of ice cream to bring it to any sort of a milkshake consistency. 

Glass 1...

It was quite nice, considering I had to drink the best part of a litre of the stuff. 

Next time it'll be less milk and I'll be making it later in the evening so I can justify firing a few lashes of Bailey's into it. That'd be the business.

As a quick aside I've been making a few smoothies lately...
Milk, plain yoghurt, a banana and frozen blueberries. It's a quality drink.

A drop of Bacardi will give it a lift if consuming after 6pm. 

Now I've tried this lad with a spoon of peanut butter thrown into the mix and while not bad I feel it best to treat peanut butter as you would a fine whiskey, ingested only neat, unsullied by the creations of God or men.

B.S

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'Beans & Peas' Fish and Chips Burger

Credit where credit is due; England, you do a fine chip and your near insistence to pair them with mushy peas is one I commend. If only there was a sword and an elderly lady big enough that the entire landmass of your country could be rewarded with an honour, albeit with the usual disregard for health and safety present at these ceremonies, for such a feat...

I'm just back from a quick midweek visit to Manchester to see that sporting institution that have been inflicting hardship on me for the last year and being that I was in a tender state from the previous weekend I ended up medicating myself with a load of shite food. A lot of which consisted of chips and mushy peas.

Still in the humour for this brand of shite when I got home and being as predictable as a politician, I thought SANDWICH. Ok, well, I've called this a burger but it's all the bleedin' one.

I wanted something with a little more kick than just Fish & Chips & Peas in bread though...
I decided to add beans into the mix.
A process which would also answer the question of whether mushy peas and beans would make the absolute world-explodingly amazing combination that I'd always hope they would.
But I was never going with plain beans. I'm too far gone for that shit now. Beans for me have to at least have Tabasco Sauce and cheese mixed through them. I've wasted so much of my bean eating life not eating beans like this that to even think about it brings my mood down. No point crying over plain beans though. I decided to take it up another notch and add scallions to the beans as well.
Because SCALLIONS.

I went with a bit of Donegal Catch Cod and some skinny French Fries for the main event in the burger and in keeping with the English theme I got some Marks & Spencer's burger buns. I've said it before, they do the best mainstream bread rolls available in Ireland. I used 2 buns for this and tried keeping them from tearing apart, but it in the end it made little difference.

Clockwise from the top left you can see I loaded on the beans, which were dosed up with about 15 drops of Tabasco Sauce, a quarter block of cheese and 2 finely chopped scallions. A good dose of rocket was put on as a bed for the cod and the other side was given the mushy peas and chips treatment before it was all closed up.

It goes without saying that you're not going to just stick on about 10 chips for this, and you'll have a load of beans and peas left over so...

This was good. This could open up a whole new avenue of dirty fish burgers to me. I had contemplated putting some Tabasco or cheese into the peas but having not tested this before I wisely left it to the beans to shoulder that burden and it worked great. I'll super charge mushy peas another day. 

Traditionalists might not agree with my choice of skinny chips but there was method to my madness. Using large hand cut chips in a burger or sandwich doesn't, in my experience, work when there are other ingredients fighting for your attention. The potato is a loud and obnoxious creature, who while having very little to say wants to be heard over everyone else. Small doses are key. 

I've very little to say about beans and mushy peas. They work. It's beautiful to witness. I plan on being the awkward third wheel at many of their future dates. 

All in all I was very impressed; the bread was delicious, I just gave it a little toast so it'd stand up to the pressure, the rocket balanced everything out in a position where I was contemplating a third sauce, but it didn't need that. Scallions first appearance in a beans jersey went very well, a solid performance and definitely one with a bright future in this game. Purists would argue that I should have had a proper chip shop slab of fish but I found the variety I used much more up to the task, great strength and an optimal batter to fish ratio for sandwich use.

At the end of the day this was a very convincing win. My insides are the only injury but are expected to make a full recovery and be back in light training by Tuesday morning.

Boozey Swine

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Hot 'n' Cheesy Scrambled Eggs w/ Garlic Rashers

I spent the last 3 weeks travelling the four corners of Germany with my band Knoxville Morning and with all due love and respect to the wonderful people of that country, they don't, in my humble (and most likely narrow minded) opinion, have a bulls notion about how to prepare a decent breakfast.
We soon gave up on trying to find a morning meal with any semblance of familiarity and resorted to waiting for brunches or lunches from the trusty Turkish Kebab Shops which are in abundance throughout Deutschland.

After I got home, a couple of days ago, my body was, strangely enough, craving some healthy food which it was almost entirely starved of over the course of our long journey. After a 24 detox consisting of about 2 fields worth of vegetables I was ready to get back on the wagon.

I woke up this morning craving all the best flavours and I knew I had the ingredients at hand to make something special happen. I wanted bacon and eggs. But I wanted loads of cheese too. I knew I'd garlic and that had to go in there. AND HOT. It had to be hot, but with loads of flavour... Tabasco Sauce was the lad I was after.

I immediately had a fully formed picture in my mind of what was going to happen. I wasn't sure it would work, but I had the hope and boundless optimism that only a man about to dip his toe into the weekend could have.

I gathered my ingredients:

• 3 Rashers
• 3 Eggs
• A Clove of Garlic
• Cheddar Cheese (to be grated)
• Creme Fraiche
• Tabasco Sauce
• Hot Chilli Seasoning

I heated up a frying pan with some olive oil and crushed the clove of garlic into it. Then I cut the 3 rashers into strips and fried them up until they were nice and crispy.

While all this was going on, and I'll spare you the unattractive photos of it, I made the scrambled eggs. Simple.. 3 whisked up eggs into a hot pan with melted butter and stirred constantly. As the eggs were just about cooked I added a handful of grated cheddar cheese and a couple of teaspoons of creme fraiche and stirred them through until they melted.

Serve it up in a bowl like so, sprinkle some chilli seasoning and drizzle some Tabasco sauce over the eggs and your done.

This was the nicest, tastiest, most satisfying breakfast I've had in as long as I can remember. I've often added some grated cheese to scrambled eggs but the addition of creme fraiche knocks it up about 5 more levels, they were the creamiest most delicious eggs I've ever had, and it all worked perfectly with the little kick of the chilli and tabasco. 

The balance was perfect. 

Now the rashers and garlic combo... I don't know why this isn't more mainstream, maybe for the fact you can rule out getting a shift any time in the near future if you consume this, but I can tell you it'll be well worth it.

Spectacular is the only word for the explosion of flavours going on throughout this dish. 

This whole endeavour only took 10 minutes to make and about 40 seconds to eat. 

I think for Lent I'll give up eating anything other than this for breakfast.

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B.S. x